Thursday, August 5, 2010

Me, myself and I

*Disclaimer: The following post is written for entertainment purposes only -partially from a male perspective, everything IS blown 10 times out of porportion to add the drama this blog is about, enjoy

"When I have one foot in the grave, I will tell the whole truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me and say, 'Do what you like now" - Leo Tolstoy

Old man Tolstoy would be bluffing if he said he knew the truth about women, no man alive knows the truth about women, why? Cause if they did, humanity as we know it would cease to exist, I can guarantee you most men would pass the chance to mate if they knew what we knew -yet we don't really admit- about ourselves.

Which is what I'm here to reveal today *dun dun dun duuuh!!* 

The reason why men can't simply understand women is very simple... women have multiple personalities during the month, the minute he figures one out, a new one surfaces and he goes into a very long "WTF" period, then the familiar personality comes back again just when he was starting to get used to the new one... see where I'm going with this?

Ladies it's not their fault, and sure as hell isn't ours either, our personalities are affected by our hormonal spurts, men don't have these so calling them "mood swings" seems like a solution that works for them, so I'll try to decipher this for the average male, most women are borderline schizophrenics! and their interests in guys change depending on which demon she's possessed by at the moment

See every woman has 3 personalities, The mellow/relaxed girl, The sweetheart and... The bride of Frankenstein, let's break it down a little more, shall we?

Mellow Mama: 

This is what co-workers, family members, friends... etc see most of the time, just a normal person with hobbies, interests, you know, the normal human being doing... normal human stuff

Her interests during this time: someone to keep her company, kick back with again... do normal human stuff.

Not too bad is it?

The Sweetheart: 

Estrogen levels are so high it can turn an ugly ostrich into a peacock, this is when she looks, feels and acts girly and can't really help it.

How to recognize? Just keep an open eye for ... pink, if your girl isn't a big fan of pink then keep an open eye for french manicures, spa trips, new haircuts, shopping sprees and chances are... a LOT of romantic comedies

Dangers: Just think how the delusional fly gets attracted to a bug zapper then *pzzzt*... poor fellow is vaporized.

And now without further ado -drumroll please- we present, the one and the only...

Bride of Frankenstein (A.K.A the crazy b*tch, the emotional mess, Satan's Mistress, The Hulk):

The most dangerous of all 3 phases, your best chances are... leave her alone! and even THAT will backfire at you, just try your best to stay on her good side, your in for:

-Over analyzing anything you say or don't say
-Accusations of infidelity and questioning sincerity
-Unexplained bursts of tears
-Objects can be thrown
-Objects can be thrown at you
-Objects can be directed at your genitals specifically
-Over indulgence in comfort food
-Cue the drama movie marathon, the sadder the end the better
-Use of 4 lettered curse words is often sighted
-Suddenly she describes everyone as insane *sarcasm*
-The urge to dismember/ hurt every male she sees

Expected question: Do I look fat? Answer : The answer is always NO, for the love of God if you even hesitate you've got no one to blame but yourself

Survival tips for those days: stock up on chocolate, tissues, chickflicks, keep a safe 10 feet distance at all times, agree to everything she says -even if it doesn't make any sense, because it won't- and finally... sleep on the couch, it's much safer there, remember what Lorraine Bobbit did to her husband? I figure she was going through this phase...


-In case of stress, the bride of frankenstein takes over for a longer time, the sweetheart diminishes and the mellow mama ceases to exist.

-In case of falling in love, the bitch turns into someone whose ... oversensitive and let's just leave it at that and the mellow mama ceases to exist as well

-The only way to decipher when each character is in play is by eliminating all external stress factors, work, school,  family, stress... etc, which is impossible which is why you're screwed

*Dealing with the pregnant lady:

1- The first trimester wouldn't be so bad so enjoy it while it lasts, she'll sleep a lot, whine a little and be generally peaceful

3- 4th and 5th months are called (the 2nd honeymoon months) The Sweetheart takes over and I'll just say the rest is pretty self explanatory

3- 6th through the end is when The Bride of Frankenstein takes over, review the tips given above, and if by any chance your lady passes her due date, approach her very very carefully, cause you can easily lose a limb... or more

So ladies, no need to hide it anymore, you know it's true, every single word, we're hard to handle cause honestly we can't even handle ourselves, so go easy on the guys ok?

Gentlemen, God be with you... at least it's worth it in the end? Right?

Off the record: What's the craziest thing you've done when you were angry? 


  1. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL what were u on??? seriously borderline schizo

    hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the extra drama usually messes the whole thing up... but really, i love this post.. i could imagine guys reading this with wide open eyes and dropped jaws and thinking about being monks???


  2. To be honest it is the truth to a certain extent, remember forensic medicine? Remember how many girls were talking about broiling the doctor, soaking him in acid, drowning him a basement, shooting him with 2 bullets at once -I can go on forever- ... I have a hunch that was the bride talking...

    And yes, turning men into monks and/or gays is what this post was about, because the amount of gay men in the world isn't enough, I just had to double it... seriously?! That's what you picked up?! :P It's about learning to laugh at yourself, pointing out your own flaws and stop taking life seriously, you know to "lighten up" ?

  3. i love the way you put it :p.. lighten up... tell that to the hulk's wife.. or whatever other names u made.. LOOOOOOOOOOOL

  4. I had to read this post TWICE ..
    first time .. I felt like I'm reading a scientific article in some psychiatry journal. my head hurt .. it was too much for me n' I went to sleep

    the second time .. I felt the sarcasm, I got the point of this post and I was like LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL, now I actually think I was pretty hard on my self thinkin' I'm a bipolar!
    the last part of the pregnant woman .. I AGREEEEEEE!!!!!

    n' about the craziest thing I've ever done when I was angry was something I never imagined I would do it or actually say it out loud .. I'm not so proud of it .. n' I'm not sure about how u would think of me f I told u !

  5. Ghada I throw objects when I'm angry -not very proud of it- bs last time I threw a few doughnuts at my sister while she was driving, one missed, the other didn't :P

  6. I totally agree. The key is for women to understand themselves then inform the poor men of their status so they can act accordingly or we can just let the men read this. :P

    At my worst I scream A LOT and say loony things that I ALWAYS regret later. I fantasize about throwing stuff. Never got to do it though :(